Much More Than Coffee

So, the other day, I snapped at Ray and had a total meltdown.

Here I am, I hadn't showered in two days.

I smelled like throw up and poop.

Toa looked like a poor orphan.

The twins were a freakin' mess.

The house was a disaster.

I was feeling like a total fat ass.

I was completely sleep deprived.
I had 4 loads of laundry to get done.
I had a camera full of pictures that I hadn't touched yet.
Pinterest was taking over my thoughts.
My 'to do' list was growing by the second...

....and here walks in Ray, rejuvenated from a great workout with a coffee in his hand....

for him.

You would've think he just told me he had a girlfriend or something.

I came unglued.
I could've tackled him across the room and ripped his head off. 

I was so pissed off at him.
He was so confused.
It was obviously much more than the coffee that was bothering me.

Anyone who knows me, knows that I.cannot.sit.still. 

It's genetic.

My Mother is always always doing something.
Cleaning, cooking, rearranging, crafting, yardwork, organizing, fixing something, going somewhere, visiting someone etc.. 

My Dad is just as bad.
Therefore I believe it is genetically impossible for me to be idle. 

I am always busy.
If I'm not, I have this strange feeling of failure.
It drives me crazy if I don't accomplish something daily.

When I had Toa, that didn't slow me down one bit. I was on the go with him just as much. Poor kid traveled more miles than most adults I know before he turned 1. I would just load him up and off we'd go. When I found out I was having twins, I was nervous. I was nervous because I knew I wouldn't be able to have the type of schedule I have with two newborns and a 2 year old.
As much as I'd like to be Superwoman, I'm not...

I'm a list maker. 

I have lists everywhere.
On my phone, in my room, on my computer desk.
 If I don't have a list, I won't know what I need to get done.
I've had this list of things to do since before the twins were born. That list has seriously been eating at my brain.
When I had the time before I gave birth, I didn't have the energy.
Now, I'm lacking both energy and time.
I was frustrated because things weren't going as I planned.
I was arguing with a two year old.
I was frustrated the twins weren't on the same schedule.
I was just frustrated.
I always felt that nothing could stop me, and I could conquer the world, with diaper bag in tow!
 I was so completely frazzled that I wasn't able to check many things off my 'list'.
The single cup of coffee that came walking through the door sent me over the edge.
Ray sat me down because he knew something was wrong. I cried to Ray telling him that I felt like I had so much to do, and I didn't know where to start and that I felt like all I did was tend to babies all day.
Don't get me wrong, I love it..
Now, if all my other chores and projects and work did itself I wouldn't mind tending to babies all day. Truth of the matter, I have a lot going on in my life. I always have,  and that day I felt like I had no control..
over anything.
 I felt like I had no schedule..

No structure.
No goal.
My goal was just to get through the day.. and possibly a shower!

I don't know if I was just envious of him because he got to go workout and get out of the house, or if because he had the damn coffee that I wanted. He of course offered it to me, but at that time had I taken it from him, I probably would've chucked it at his face.
His workouts is his job, but I just wanted to get out and run.. run, run, run..
Play my music as loud as possible and just run....

We sat down and got a schedule planned out...
 Even if it doesn't always go accordingly which I know 99% of the time it won't, that's okay.. at least I have a 'manual' to work off of.

I got my list out of the things I needed to get done, and wanted to get done.
Projects I have wanted to finish and slowly started marking those off.
Now that I have alot of those things done, I feel a million times better.
 AND I got a nap in, so I know that helped. 

I just need to take it a day at a time and quit biting off more that I can chew.. especially now.
I've always been a master juggler and multi-tasker.. but things are so different now. 

My boys come first.
All 4 of them.
I need to realize that I can't do it all.. no matter how much I try.

Ray is such a great help.
My family is so amazing.
I hate asking for help though, I feel like I'm burdening people.
I feel like a failure when I ask for help.
I feel like I'm failing because if I ask for help, it's like I can't handle just 3 kids.
But I've learned it's okay to ask for help.

Thankful for my husband for his support and helping me get back on track.
He know's I am OCD with things, and he's been conscious in helping me keep things in order.
When our home is in order, it just feels much better and not so chaotic and we can focus on each other.

Go Team Feinga!! :)

I don't think he will ever bring home one cup of coffee ever again either! :)